:: Mon arbre ::

:: Wednesday, April 18, 2007 ::

I expected to do more of my day... I arranged the stuff for insurances, went to trade for a cristal ball... the guy is not interested by much except my runes, and ehe doesn't offer much on them... no trade done, yet.

I bought a new library and a chair, which should be here tomorrow. Added to the new table (and old at the same time) and the two chair from my gramma, it should be ok. Some bigger stuff from my father will be here later.

The books piling on the floor and any shelf available are starting to get me bored.

I didn't walk that much, but my back hurts. I've passed two hours in the bath, reading. Really interesting book anyway. I think I've hurt myself yesterday: my back pain seems to come from the right side, where I think I stretched a muscle. My neck hurts, too. I'm not sure I go for tai-chi tonight...

And less down to earth

Magic calls easily and often, now. As well as desire... I guess something within me calls for ectasy. I feel like I'm on a brink. kinda hard to describe. I haven't done enough magic recently, and with my thoughts running wild for so long and my recents readings, I feel something coming. I don't have the inspiration - not yet anyway - but I do feel on the brink. I'm wondering if I've forgotten how to bring it forth. I suppose there is too much doubt in me, right now. Not about the reality of magic, but about the path to follow, the way to choose. I've closed myself a bit too much recently, and pay for it. Cycles... I finished one, not long ago. A spiral path, toward the outside, toward the inside. I search for myself, and I'm good at eluding. Sometimes, I even come to wonder what my doubts are, for I don't know anymore. Well, I've seen thoses feels before... on a spiral path. I know I grow, even if I can't see it all from inside. I curious about what I'm looking like.

I've donned a mask, today. One made with my face. Not the one of an ingeneer, for a change, but the one of a negociator. I'm not getting bad at it... the more I realize I wear various masks, in everyday life, the more I question what I am. It reminds me of some of Rialians writings.

I was lacking pride far too much for far too long, and now have to control it, for it claims more that it's rightful place. I don't want to be either too prideful or too humble... I wish to do more, to be able to claim more, and it pulls me foward strongly, which is good. But I have a hard time choosing a path. I have to ask myself consciously "what do I believe in?" I feel myself spliting and becoming more complete, but every foot put foward is harder than before. I do not want to half learn things, to simplify what should not be, or complicate what is simple. Beliefs thend to be feelings and pulls.

"Split yourself
Between worlds
Between realms
It is by splitting yourself that you will be whole
It is in multiplicity that you will find Oneness."

had She said...

I feel doubt, far too much. What it this doubt in me about looking stupid? I had left it behind a long time ago... I look stupid anyway, except with the proper mask. I fear asking too much of myself and loosing that confortable possibility of talking of my problems to others. Hard balance.

I wrote a lot... mostly when I think all of this could have been summarized by : "I search for myself and am on the brink of something good, a move foward on the spiral".

At least, a start of a feeling of oneness comes, and I know it come through initiation and practice, not thoery (and I read, oh, how can I run like that?). And it's defenitly weird.

"Know thyself", hu? That sounds sooooo easy.... And so many years ago I tought I knew myself. What a fool I was! I've lurned pride, and a dangerous pleasure for power, and, most of all, that I was ABLE.

I have time right now, but how to do the best of it? Magic call, but what the hell should I do??? Anything would be a good start, I suppose. Some music, maybe. And see what comes.

And I just tought of it... lets get my cards out.

:: 3:23 PM ::